Saturday, 31 December 2016

Meh

I'm not sure why I am writing this, neither am I entirely sure who will read it (and indeed, if I even care). But I have to be honest.

It is the last day of 2016, and I am tired. New year always brings self reflection. And this year is the same. However, every year always has ups and downs, good and bad, and we are misguided if we ever think any different.
But the tiredness I feel is an indescribable cacophony. Its the type of tiredness that no amount of sleep will ever cure, even if you could sleep for multitudinous decades. I am drenched with fatigue. And its the exhaustion of being me.

This 'me' doesn't even feel like me anymore. Someone has stolen my being and sold it off cheap on eBay like a broken piece of brick-a-brac. I don't even know who me is. Making the mistake of looking back on that digital BEST FRIEND! Facebook, I was dumbfounded. Was I that? Was I this? Social media lies and masquerades; a deadly online menace. Even I start to get fooled. The pixelated versions don't show the pain, the darkness, the terrifying anxieties. The hatred. The reminders of constant failures.

Maybe my inherent need to be busy, to be occupied, to be overly-exerted comes down to a single thing. I'm running away. And I think I am trying to escape from who I am, who I have become. A poor imitation copy of a person that won't even end up on the 'novelty' section of antiques roadshow; a Margaret Thatcher-esque-haired expert grinning inanely scoffing patronisingly that the carcass isn't worth a penny but 'is tremendous fun' as if 'fun' is a synonym of 'stupid poor person things'.

My body & brain is riddled and disintegrating. My enthusiasm is the cardigan I once spilled photography chemicals over; eventually browning and shrivelling up like a rotting apple. I forget things. I sometimes can't get out of bed. Coming to terms with losing who I was is the most upsetting. Am I grieving? It is utterly ridiculous to write this and not scold myself for sounding such a melodramatic odiferous pillock. But I am that too.

Some writers describing depression and decline, say the terrible disease creeps up on you. I can relate to that. In some respects it is the small shadow tied to your boot laces that somehow expands up like a bloated sponge. But for me, it has been more like that bathroom tap with the dodgy leak: drip, drip, drip - fine at first, until you realise it's 18 months down the line, and you're submerging in a room full of water. There's nothing more lonely than drowning in your own self doubt.

In the summer, I was at Barry Island and sat watching people play the penny slots. They're glued to these seedy structures, feeding in coin after coin like robots. So much effort, for such little gain. That's how I feel I have existed for too long - a worn out dismaland penny machine that should've really paid out more by now, but has a few springs missing and is just waiting to be replaced by a newer model.

So here we are. Stuck in the hard shoulder whilst the world flies by picking up speeding tickets. I still do not know why I have written this. But things are very difficult. Very difficult indeed. And I apologise to anyone who actually has to endure me. But at least you can walk away. I miss who I was, and the life I used to have, but I'm not even sure I know what any of that was.

Maybe I just need to pull my socks up. But buy new ones first.


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

2015/2016 were very difficult for me. I experienced a lot of loss in 2015 and 2016 was very stressful career-wise for me. I experienced what can really only be described as a psychotic break in the mid-part of this year. Pushed over the edge by a hair cut of all things! I have experience anxiety to the point where it's sometimes very difficult to leave my house. But if you were to look at my social media accounts...apparently I have a great life. Anyway, something had to give so I quit my job a week ago. 2017 has to be different for me somehow. When I was a kid I always imagined I would grow up to become a big deal. I was smarter than most and had a million and one ambitious ideas. Feel like such a failure really as I approach my 35th year.
I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope things improve for you. :-(
- Hayley

Sian said...

Thanks for your reply. I can resonate with a lot of that, like you wouldn't believe ��I'm really sorry to hear it. :( hopefully 2017 will be better :) it sounds like you're on the start of the tight track though.

2015 ended badly for me and it's been hard getting back on the ladder. I've regressed considerably which then somehow makes me feel worse. I know the score to a degree but also my coping mechanisms are either now no longer working or I am actually no longer able to use them because of other health reasons.
Sometimes it feels as if things in the undertone of modern life aren't good for me. It's that feeling I'm endlessly searching for something and I don't even know what that thing is! All I know is I feel a fraud because I cannot correlate the me I think I am or want to be and the me I feel. The social media me Vs the Me that often wants to die. It's very confusing.
Rambling now but thanks for reading :) and big hugs.
X